Fearing Fear : Storytime with the Backdoor Muse (audio) #794

“I wonder what toilet paper represents?”

She quips with a giggle.

“Sh*t hitting the fan perhaps?” I return.

“Keep going,” she says

“I am afraid because the world

may be coming to an end

as we know it.”

And this is how conversations with the Backdoor Muse go…

Red Thread Letter #794 from Shiloh Sophia

Join me for a cuppa and storytime? Fearing Fear and Having Tea with Uncertainty is part of a new series in 2020. Others are reading this to their family, although it does have SOME adult content. There is also an audio where you can just listen HERE
Red Madonna Sisterhood – Creative Spiritual Community – starts in two days, you can join us here to spend the next 13 moons in deeply creative connection and prayer. We will begin with building our altars and an opening call.

Looking for ways to connect with powerful supportive online community? Invitations are available to you for online connection, sisterhood, Red Thread Circle, painting and more at the bottom.
New online LIVE classes starting on Spring Equinox! There is one I have been working on for a while….more soon!

Visit all MUSEA Semester ONLINE Events: www.schoolofintentionalcreativity.org
All in person events for Musea and Shiloh Sophia are on hold until, likely, Summer. Fingers crossed that we plan for the worst and celebrate when it doesn’t happen.

Dear One,

Perhaps you have time for cafe these days? Time with the Muse, with coffee or tea to read, to listen to share, to sit, to stare out the window? I am going to be brief in my note, because the writing is long! But you can also listen to an audio!

Below is my written story or you can listen here as I read the story aloud to you. After reading it several people on my team suggested I read it aloud to you. The recording has a little bit of goofy sound effects thrown in at first. I was getting crazy on the sound effects for the first part, but Jonathan suggested I was over-doing it, so I stopped lol. And a real live cough during the reading. I decided to leave it in for emphasis.

The above photo was taken by Jonathan last night during filming. I feel grateful that although I have a big in person business, I also have been leading virtual education for ten years, as well as online community! So we are continuing with our regularly scheduled programming but moving it towards resiliency and relevancy. We are either home or in studio – #stayhome. But don’t forget that does not mean you cannot go outdoors – I know parks and hikes are limited, but what about stepping outside your door? Perhaps, the back door??? The Muse might already be waiting for you!

These writings are speaking of things I feel and see in the community – and they are often just a stream of consciousness and a few strange things show up to. I have never had a bat show up in any writing that I can remember, but sure enough – a bat showed up in the Muse’s blackened basket. And we just found out that the ~ Corona Virus ~ is connected with bats. Ah. The Muse.

I don’t have words of wisdom that are from the mind. I do have stories, right from my art studio to yours…

Fearing Fear + Invitation to Tea with Uncertainty

The Muse is at the back door tonight.

I am waiting for her.

I knew she would come,

she can smell my fear.

She does not knock,

she just busts through

with black feathers flying

and a foul wind,

Scattering leaves all over my floor.

She straddles the chair as she does,

green dragonflies circle her head.

I am fairly certain I see a bat fly out

of her blackened basket. Ugh.

Her eyes have a look

that makes my insides turn to liquid.

Is that black eyeliner she is wearing?

And red lipstick? She looks like

death’s unruly daughter, Danger.

Now, I wish I had gone to bed with the others,

taken a whisky and some NyQuil

to dull the ache rising in my gut.

Or watched another episode of Outlander,

eating too much popcorn. I love butter.

I whimper a little, and this is her cue.

She does not hiss, she levels her voice.

“Will you speak to your fear?”

I search my gut for answers.

“I am afraid.

Yet I feel ashamed of my fear,

everyone tells me,

not to be so afraid,

to manage myself,

not to panic, so I hide it instead.

Then it bottles up, threatening to explode.

It makes me feel sick

to hide how I am feeling,

to try to look normal in times like these.”

She nods, yawns and tells me,

“Well, you don’t pass for normal anyway.

Tell me, what happened today?”

“So, I go to the store to stock up

for the storm – it’s coming you know.”

She rolls her eyes. I clear my throat and go on.

“A big storm, and we don’t know how long,

how long…how long…

Well anyway, instead of toilet paper,

since there was none to be had,

I stocked up on extra cake and champagne.

And plenty of cheddar, salami and

gluten-free crackers.”

“Ah I see, logical apocalyptic choices!”

She laughs and so do I, and it feels good.

I take it as encouragement and keep going,

my ironic tone of voice takes over.

“No toilet paper,

but the fancy napkin isle was full

of chic designs…would that not

work for toilet paper, even if you have

to wipe your arse with a

‘Happy 50th Birthday!’ napkin?”

“I wonder what toilet paper represents?”

She quips with a giggle.

“Sh*t hitting the fan perhaps?” I return.

“Keep going,” she says

“I am afraid because the world

may be coming to an end

as we know it.”

She hums the old R.E.M. tune

It’s the end of the world as we know it…

“Truth,” she says, all cocky like. “And?”

“And because I might die.”

“Truth,” she says. “What else?”

“And because I don’t want innocent people to suffer.”

“Truth. And you will suffer, and so will many.

No getting out of here alive you know…”

I breathe, finally.

How long had it been since I let my belly out?

I am all knotted up, I begin to let go.

What an f-ing relief.

This all feels really strange,

but so much better than whatever I was doing

before the Muse busted through my back door.

Out of her black basket, she pulls out a book,

Things begin to fall out, scattering the table

like a fortune teller spread.

She organizes them into an odd assortment.

Instead of reading tea leaves,

the Muse’s journal is far more interesting.

As if hearing my thoughts, she answers me.

“I’m not into fortune telling, that’s so last century.

What I am into, is what YOU see when you look.”

“Look at what?”

“Yes,” she replies. Oh her riddles!

I examine all of it,

wishing my purse was as exciting.

A tattered red thread, a eucalyptus leaf

a single rose petal, a sprig of lavender

a postcard of the Black Madonna,

a bookmark from Shakespeare and Company

both from Paris, a very intact lizard skin,

a teabag with licorice root

and rolling papers.

She hands me a little red velvet bag,

filled with colored pens instead of pot.

I choose the gold one, shaking it up.

“Draw it,” she says.

“Draw what?”

“This fear of yours, draw it.”

I open to a page, and it is black.

Who has journals with black pages?

As I draw the shape of it,

jagged and sharp,

My body responds.

Soon my hand’s motion dissolves

into making spirals and dots.

Gold confetti fills the black void.

After what seems like a long time

and not so long at all…

I look up, surprised, feeling…different.

She has my attention.

She is always talking about this creative stuff,

I am beginning to see what she likes about it.

I feel changed in just that short time.

I pour the tea,

the smell of licorice root

fills the kitchen.

The dog comes in to listen,

licking my feet.

She begins to speak

in a storytelling voice.

“The problem is not fear,

the problem is fearing fear.

Then staying stuck in fear

when it is time to move on.

We do have a choice

how long we stay in fear.

But at first, learn to respect fear.

Otherwise, how can you trust

what your gut is telling you?

Don’t shut down your intuition

when it tells you danger is here.

Don’t prefer instead some idealized

spiritual-litany-dimestore-bypassing

and call it positive thinking.

Positive thinking can happen in the midst

of chaos. It does all the time,

just don’t miss the chaos,

instead hang out in the eye of the storm.

Look around awhile.

So. I am here to honor your fear.

And to give you a warning:

Respect your fear.

There is a place for fear in our lives.

Be kind to yourself if you feel fear.

Fear is not just a foe,

fear is a friend of wisdom.

Be mindful of telling others not to fear.

Fear can show you where to look.

If you avoid fear, you will miss the message.

Some say there is only fear OR love,

not both together. This is not so.

We have all known fear and love

and we shall, again and again,

just like we are today, yet see,

we are navigating it, now aren’t we?

We have lived side by side

with pain and pleasure.

With hope and despair. Faith and loss.

God is like this. Sex is like this. Birth is like this.

Love is like this. Creativity is like this,

‘both/and’ with a little ‘now what’

and ‘how so’ thrown in, but it is not

‘either/or’ or this or that.

Cause and effect is so yesterday

and so is needing it to be one way or the other.

The seeming paradox only cancels itself

if you invalidate one and praise the other.”

My stomach relaxes into her telling.

I am becoming present and my panic

is moving away from me at a rapid pace.

I feel trapped birds within me flying free.

I look more closely at her and see,

she is not in black, but dark purple,

with tiny stars embroidered on her garment

and a planet here and there across her shoulders.

I had not seen them before, but now,

they glow in my eyes. I was only looking at

the black, not what is held within the black.

I was not seeing what black is the context for.

Black is the context for stars…for light.

I get her a piece of lemon cake,

she likes extra frosting like me.

It tastes good with licorice root.

We eat our cake communion in silence.

I feel we are getting ready,

but for what, I don’t know.

Eventually she asks me to speak

to how and when fear COULD be damaging.

She wants me to get this. I speak my heart.

“How fear can damage our life ongoingly

is to make DECISIONS driven by fear

over and over without seeing the messages.

Fear itself can be a healthy response

to cycles….like this. Ones that change everything.

We can sit with our fear and let it inform our love.”

She smiles, looking victorious that

her message had gotten through. Phew.

I am captivated by the twinkle in her eyes.

She sips her tea and begins to speak.

“Have tea with uncertainty

instead of trying to tie down your plans.

The storm is at the door already.

Trying to be certain has never worked well.

Tell me, the next time someone you love

tells you they are afraid, what will you say?”

I knew the answer, I could feel it.

“I might say, ‘Let us plan together…

to work through how you feel…

Let us honor your fear…

Instead of making how they feel wrong!

I am their witness!!! Not their judge.”

This is a revelation.

Maybe I could help others

who are afraid like me.

She invites me outside into the dark night.

We bring our tea, and we walk,

for what seems like a very long time,

up, up, up, up a hill. I have no idea where,

and I don’t care, I am following

a voice of reason, held within

the great mystery of uncertainty.

When she stops, we are atop a hill,

looking down at our twinkling village.

She speaks, as if speaking to all of them.

“Does the child afraid of the dark

call the darkness?

Does the woman afraid of violence

call violence?

Does the person afraid of getting sick

call the sickness?

Does the devil come, because you fear him?

Nah. That ancient trickster only shows up when

you don’t fear him enough.

He can be hard to spot in a crowd. Keep watch!”

I am surprised,

I had never heard her speak of him before.

“Do you…. know him?” I ask, stammering,

my fear rising up again about what she might say.

“Ah my dear.

I have wrestled with him a time or two,

I have the scars to prove it.

We all have wrestled with his ilk,

though we call this work by different names.

No Muse worthy of the task

of inspiring the likes of you,

has not faced the impossible accusations.

She pauses then, squats low

to the ground, feels the earth

with her hands, scoops up something she finds

and plops it into her basket with a kerplunk.

She whispers now and

I draw near.

“No true teacher will tell you

not to feel what you feel.

They will instead nudge you

if you revel too long in shadows.

Let your choices be in love, not in fear.”

“How do you get from fear to love?”

I ask, concerned that I do not know the way,

The sky begins to lighten.

“This,” she says, putting her arm around my

shoulders “is what humans are good at.

Loving. Unreasonable loving. You think

fear blocks unreasonable loving? It doesn’t.

You just have to remember you have a choice.”

“I think I forget that I have a choice.” I say.

“You do, and so that is where I come in.

I am here as an instigator of your

creative life force, when you create,

you remember who you are.

When you remember who you are,

and the badass ancestors you came from,

you won’t stay in fear. You will move into love,

because you cannot help but help.

Compassion does not ask the other to agree.

Compassion sees what there is, as it is.

The problem with fearing fear,

is you miss the message when it first arrives.

And if there is something worth fearing,

it will be back to warn you again.

Fear will ask you to pay attention, again.”

I am walking home in the morning light,

carrying two empty cups.

My heart is filled with the light

only the shadows reveal.

The rain begins to fall softly on my face

and feels like love from heaven.

I send love to every doorway I pass,

and hope they may be so lucky

as to have the Muse one day

darken their doorway with bright foreboding.

She comes bringing respect for fear,

and an invitation to tea with uncertainty.

~ Shiloh Sophia

From Muse at the Backdoor series 2020

Respond in the Red Thread Cafe

Comment or Share from Facebook

Note: I am reading a lot of content that is speaking against experiencing fear. As I often do, I thought I might provide a different view. I am not concerned if it is popular – I believe it is important that we do not invalidate other people’s experiences.

Be mindful of the invisible frameworks, of how your spiritual beliefs about energy and existence impact your view of others and our sweet unfolding world.

Not all fear impacts the nervous system the same way – we must steer away from the temptation to lump all fear responses together. False fear is not the same as valid fear. And at this time, many are experiencing a mix of both as we try to understand what is going on. The challenge arises when we become trapped in a cycle of fear, and all of our choices become fear-based instead of love-based. It’s our response to fear, not the fear itself.

Our full attention is being requested. This will come with acknowledging and feeling fear, but also, a lot of love. And this is where you come in – you being the presence of love, once you have sat with your own fear and not turned your face away from it.

Spend less time fearing fear and more time practicing love. This experience is entirely different than trying not to be afraid – a fool’s errand.

I have fear. I also have love. We must hold the paradox.

The result is deeper peace and wisdom that can inform our actions.

The collective fear will also be felt by those of us who feel such things – and I do.

Through creativity, my peace is the medicine I offer, informed by respecting fear, loving beyond fear, and even beyond love.

I cannot find peace if I do not first have tea with uncertainty.

Sending love along the Red Thread,

For those in need of a safe space to connect and support each other regarding the Corona Virus, we have created a post inside the Red Thread Cafe Classroom. We are holding a #healingfield together that is grounded and loving, sharing information with each other in a mindful way.

Cafe time with the kitties and my love

Here are a few ways to connect with our Red Thread through Intentional Creativity
All of the events listed below were previously planned, and we are so glad they are appropriate to the context of what has been emerging in our sweet world.

UPCOMING VIRTUAL EVENTS with MUSEA : INTENTIONAL CREATIVITY

1. FREE VIRTUAL CIRCLE : Join us for “What’s In Your Medicine Basket?” with Shiloh Sophia and our community.

How prepared are you when you or someone else’s needs arise?
Do you have tools of resilience building ready to go?
How long is your reaction and recovery time before you can serve with your gifts?

Let’s work together to discover and fill your medicine basket, and let’s add red thread as a medicine you can carry. You don’t need to be trained in Red Thread Circle to carry a red thread. We will tell you all about it when we gather for a LIVE face to face virtual Red Thread Circle next week! RSVP to join us.

2. FREE Teaching on Quantum Connection: Study with me right now for FREE! This is a video teaching that explores the philosophy and framework I operate within to keep my community feeling connected in a very real, albeit mystical way. You will need a cup of tea, a journal, and about 45 minutes. Do you have time time? This teaching was offered as part of a paid class, but I wanted to offer it as a free gift and blessing for you today.

Watch Quantum Connection with Shiloh Sophia now – or mark it for later.

3. Lead Powerful Virtual Circles : For those of you who want to learn about leading quantum connection in your own circles online or in person. Learn more about our Red Thread Guide training here.

*We have chosen to waive the $100 application fee at this time to support those who are called to join us.

These Red Thread Circle teachings will empower you to lead circles in your communities, as well as holding circles online. You will be able to practice almost immediately with the skills we teach you. Your voice and your circle is needed. How about adding Red Thread to your Medicine Basket?

4. RED MADONNA : Virtual Church anyone? Online Ritual? Painting as Sacred Practice? For those who would like to begin working with me online starting this week through painting and prayer, our sacred women’s community – Red Madonna – is starting on the first day of Spring! A 13 moon experience of sacred connection.