Sorting through my writings today I found this curious piece of writing, quite unrelated, it seems, to anything else. I found it in the pile of files, where I was taking notes for my book. I am working on the proposal for my book today, and geez, did I find some curious things.
It got me to thinking, how DO we deal with our past? How about you? Below are some thoughts on how some of us MIGHT just deal with it.
I hope you are having a futuristic day — one where the future seems possible and bright.
Journeying into our past is something we do every day all the the time. There is almost no time we are not referencing what has been so we can weigh our future choices against it – for better or for worse.
I decide to take some time to vision for my future and so go into the room in my world with the word future flashing in hot pink neon. I am excited as I step into that magic door. I promise myself I will spend at least two hours visioning my future, I mean, after all doesn’t my future deserve my time? It is not an indulgence is it? As I step through, compensating for that strange guilt that comes up when I am dealing with anything but healing the past – and I come face to face with a chest of drawers right inside the door. I peak over and around it to see the future, but it is clear, the chest is too big an taking up too much space. I will have to move it first. And of course, it is too heavy and I am all by myself and so I begin to take one drawer at a time out and move it, not out into the hall but furher into the middle of my future because the chest is so big it even blocks the drawers being able be moved out.
One by one I take out each drawer and as I do I notice all kinds of things. Some I must sit on my butt and laugh about, and some I cry about. Some of the images and tems brings to my knees but I keep going. BING BING, utoh, it is has been two hours –I will have to come back later and finish getting the past organized, I mean as long as these drawers are out, shouldn’t I coordinate the socks?
Next time, I will get the past out of the way and proceed more fully into the space of my future. Funny thing is, this is so familiar, it is like I have done this before – last time it was a ceiling high pile of suitcases. As I leave to room to face the rest of my day, all of my decisions are informed by the stories of the past I have dirged up one more time – for what? To torture myself? Oh yes, I am healing right? I have to take time to sort my past before I sort my future right? Meanwhile, the future is flying by and instead of participating in it’s flight by being it’s pilot, by nature of my distraction from the past I am instead of passenger in my own life – not a pilot at all. I see where it takes me and then spend my time looking back to see how I got there.
Future. I promise…next time. To say nothing of the present which I missed completely.
Ah, two weeks later and I have used a chainsaw sized tool to carve out some time finally to dream my future. I get to go to the future dreaming room so I get a cup of tea, wash the dishes, call my mother and then, change into something more futuristic and I step on through. Nothing is blocking the door this time. The room, is empty. At first I sit down and sob. Don’t know why. I just sob. Then exhausted I take a nap in the empty future.