Regarding finding your way when lost.
Begin with a prayer, a tiny feeble one
just beneath your breath.
One so preciously small
so that no one can hear it.
It is almost like nothing happened.
It may not be made of words or wishes.
An invisible shimmering just rises up
from your heart and takes wing.
This is enough for today.
Shiloh Sophia Work in Progress: Queen of the Cosmos for Red Madonna
(sorry I cannot get it to go to one font size. I am a computer whiz but it is escaping me as technology gets harder and harder instead of easier and easier, my font chooser has gone away…)
We all feel lost at times. Sometimes many times throughout the same day, or in the same conversation or even in a lifelong relationship. A time when we don’t know where to turn or what’s true. I have come to accept it as part of my spiritual journey – this sometimes floating feeling – times of disconnection. Maybe you feel this to?
Sometimes I feel the presence of the Divine and sometimes I don’t, but I know it is always and ever there whether I am able to tune into it or not. I remind myself, I don’t feel it, but God is there. Then it changes and I feel it again – the constancy of it illudes me.
I am a storm of change. In each day, if I allow myself to flow without stuffing it or changing or putting anyone including myself on, I experience a wide range of emotional presence. Joy, Sorrow, Loss, Bliss, Humour and always beauty, could all be in the same day. Or moment. We are wild children of the Divine like that. We aren’t just one way unless we are asleep or in that dreaded bardo-fog-state.
Often feeling lost is triggered in relationships. I was talking to an old friend this morning that I haven’t been connected with for many many years. Wounds I thought were all healed suddenly rose up as if it was yesterday…and we both cried our eyes out. Waled actually. We were both surprised. Love came through. The love doesn’t go any where no matter how much time has passed.
She shared the impact I had on her daughter’s life who I mentored from the time of her birth until she was 8 years old – that her daughter now 22, was indeed an artist – and had been greatly influenced by my presence in her early years.I haven’t been in active relationship with her for over 12 years.
I told her that because of mentoring her daughter in that way I went on to do the same for others. I told her I made it my job in life to ignite the creative fires of women and girls so that they could survive and thrive through the hard times we would all face. I gave and received.
After the call, I felt lost. Precious time felt lost. Missed opportunity, lost. But love wasn’t lost. Still, it hurts right? To be separated from the ones we love. So I just let myself cry for a good long spell, about the lost ones in my life, her daughter, Sue Sellars, and my former husband, Isaiah. All whom were also, deeply connected to one another. I find myself so surprised at them not being here, as I never could have dreamed any of us would have been separated. Yep, things don’t turn out like we dreamed. Sometimes something better happens, and sometimes it doesn’t. I have seen plenty of both circumstances. When we lose those we love, we can certainly feel lost….
I feel better after crying because I let myself feel how it really feels instead of keeping it stored in a tidy box filed under ‘past relationships’. The linear time may not be happening but the love hasn’t gone anywhere or diminished – and this surprises us as humans. That love can even grow deeper after losing someone in the physical form.
So how does one move from feeling lost to feeling found? We all have our ways, but for me it is writing and painting, which I am about to do now – I just wanted to send you a little red thread through the cosmos.
To begin changing our state about how we are feeling, I know it is good to begin with acknowledging and allowing the feelings of what was lost. To just SAY IT. Consider writing it down, the things you lost or that didn’t turn out the way you wanted and just be with it. Cry if you need to. Feel it and then offer it up to the Divine for transformation. I see us as a community committed to causing our own transformation – by choice. That includes a process.
1. Fearless acknowledgement of where we are now (gulp)
2. Movement towards the next place on the path
3. Action steps forward.
We move forward neither needing to be fully healed or fully wounded – just moving forward because we choose to be beings of transformation and because we are doing the work.
We may walk with a limp for a while, but there is good assurance in knowing we are capable and responsible for doing our own work and cleaning up our own messes. All of us aren’t adepts at energy work – so we have to find our own ways – hence a process like the one above, and when coupled with Intentional Creativity it is even more powerful since it moves into actual form
We incorporated this kind of moving forward medicine in the Legacy – and right now I am going to go work on the painting above – a painting that I have been working on and teaching on for 9 months. She holds all my secrets.
When we allow ourselves to feel how we feel, we feel better! And I am interested in not only feeling better but being free to move inside my life and body – shedding the skins as I move forward on my path.
And of course, being grateful at my second chance in love and life. I feel like God hit the reset button on my life for me – and I don’t take it for granted for one second that I married again – to an incredible man – whom I adore – and that I have a truly powerful women’s community of Cosmic Cowgirls. Counting my blessings like my Mama taught me. When you feel lost, count your blessings.
I also do ritual, simple and profound, with rose petals, essential oil and holy water. I just stop and ask for help when I feel lost and incorporate the physical world and the elements…light a candle…take a walk…sit with a flower…annoint yourself.
When making the bed, be grateful for hands. When washing the dishes, grateful for water. When dressing, grateful for clothes. Gratitude, as you well know, is a great remedy for feeling lost – but sometimes it is tiny gratitude gulps, not the – I SHOULD FEEL GRATEFUL SO WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SH*Tballs. Not like that. Instead tiny gratitude gulps in each moment can create presence, and presence is a ridiculously powerful remedy for most ailments that ail ya! Then there’s always, surrendering it to the Divine. WHOOOOSH – take this from me please….
I have someone else I want to remember today. We lost a dear member of our community, who passed from cancer – and I think, a broken heart, since her husband passed suddenly less than 2 years ago. I honored her choice greatly, to seek no medical intervention, but to let her body do what it was going to do. Mary Schilder was a Beloved member of Cosmic Cowgirls and in the first Color of Woman class and a member of the Red Madonna. I am sharing her writing with you below – which I had the gift of reading to her a few days before she crossed over into her valley on the other side. I know her journey is safe and assured and I am blessed to have shared time and the red thread with her.
And you – I am hoping you tending your own sacred heart with kindness. I am grateful for our connection.
Wherever you are my dear one, on your journey today, if you happen to feel lost…offer up a tiny prayer….or a gratitude gulp.
As promised, at church on Sunday I lit a candle for you at the altar of our Lady. Love is here. It’s real. It is available. Let us enter into it, even if it is in tiny breathless prayers.
Signed in sweet love,
~ ~ ~
to the valley of the Red Madonna,
feeling you have reached a dead end …
this is not the end …
this is a new beginning
We who have journeyed before you
have traveled the deep
valleys of the Red Madonna
we are here with you now
lay down your burdens
rest with us awhile
drink from her chalice
receive renewing waters
rest your troubled mind
You are not alone
you never have been
no matter what fires
you walked through
the most terrifying
experiences you’ve survived
the pain you feared would
rip your heart out and
the loss so great
you couldn’t bear
to go on living
you didn’t think you could
you didn’t care if you did or not
Rest awhile with us sister
accept Her healing balm
we prepare a fragrant bath for you
with healing herbs whose roots
traveled deep into the rich soil
and brought forth sweet and savory
to lay your weary earthly
allow the warmth to penetrate deeply
let the sacred waters hold you
Rest awhile with us sister
traveler of the Red Madonna Valley
listen to the words, messages
coming to your heart
Find the words that speak to you
of what you lost, what you thought was
gone forever … let the words of truth
help you find healing in these waters
restoration, renewal, hope, rebirth
and engrave them on your heart
our Mother knows all sorrow
can be transformed
Come and sit with us in circle
there is love and wisdom here
let us celebrate our journeys
share our stories and our truths
find the blessings where
none were found before
hold the red thread
know the power of the circle
and Red Madonna takes you home