As you read this rant, imagine that I am talking to myself out loud,
waving my hands back and forth in fuzzy slippers and leopard robe
with hair all askew.
I have a pencil in my hand and I am writing down thoughts as they press through. There is an extra cup of coffee on the counter for you if you want to join me in this rant or create your own.
Yes, I am talking to myself, about the overculture or innerculture that often defines me, but I might be talking to you too if it unhinges something within you. Forgive me any irreverances that you may find.
A Rant for Overcoming
Release me from beneath your gaze,
your view of me, and your ways.
I am coming out from underneath
the layers of consciousness, not mine,
that I have taken on without my choice,
and those I took on by choice too,
I release you.
I don’t want your concept of fear
of what will happen if I do this, or that,
or don’t do this or that, just the right way,
to create a desired outcome in this
world or the next. I am not here
to gain or earn a reward, but to live fully now,
and in that living, express my gifts freely
without apology of fear of repercussion.
Though I know repercussion always comes.
I don’t want to be in fear that
blessings only come to those that think
and act in “this particular way” each day.
Or call on this concept or that one,
inside of this system or another.
I don’t accept your definition of beauty
or success or right living or wrong living,
for that matter.
These definitions are trappings unwelcome.
No I am not a victim.
I have chosen willingly, but now also choose,
to let them go.
I don’t know very much. But I know this:
Everyone here is on a journey
and we have no idea whatsoever
about the one they are on
about why things aren’t going well
for them and why it is,
is just another made
up belief system in an effort to make sense
of the madness or make ourselves feet better.
Admit it. You don’t know why in any real
sense, why she died of cancer or why he
had a stroke. There is really now way to know
but strangely we long for reason which
can only be explained as unreasonable.
What of the mystery my friends,
what happens if we surrender our need to know
or better yet, a need to be right about anything
at all. If you don’t want
to acknowledge there is madness,
then we have very little to talk about.
Yes, I am shaking my beliefs free.
I am letting go of the impact
of “positive thinking” on the psyche
of the soul, that just needs to mourn
however she needs to mourn
in whatever way for however long
and no one needs to interpret that
for her. She needs no interpreter.
Only the sacred spaciousness
to unfold herself as she sees fit.
I don’t want to be defined by
mercury retrograde, what is in
my seventh house and where I am
in my hurtle through space
and time towards womanhood
or where I should or shouldn’t
be by the age of 43. Or when
gray hairs come for you or me.
I particularly don’t want to live behind
a concept of keeping up –
that one just bores my muse and me
and drives us to inactivity.
I am sick and tired of those I serve,
who are sick, fearing the condemnation
of the positive thinking brigade.
What a relief to them, when I tell them:
This might have nothing to do with you
or karma or your childhood or your thoughts.
This might just be chaos and crossfire.
Wide eyed, they lay their burden down
and proceed with the work of healing
without the shame of personal causation
or persecution from an invisible god.
This does not change the power of
good thoughts on our challenges.
But. Every tragedy is not self induced.
I shall think my own thoughts.
Or at least attempt it.
Here I go:
I choose not to live in any fear.
There I said it out loud. Did you hear me?
I don’t know how to do that
but I ask this now of my soul and body:
Lead me to the path unfettered
that I might walk freely upon this earth.
Knowing the nature of what is fallen here,
does not keep me from reveling in the
majesty of this creation called home.
I am untieing the ribbons that
have bound me, silk ones and
chain-linked ones. Taboos are falling
from my ankles as I pace
new paths in the floorboards
through the pressure of poetry
pressing through me.
I write this for me, from me
but I hear the voices of many behind
and beside me acknowledging
this desire together:
a soul unfettered.
Lift me up, don’t weigh me down.
I will do the same for you.
Let us move away from seeking
approval and into authentic expression.
Authentic expression can set us
free from the need to be seen
by others because we finally see ourselves.
I choose not to live through fear.
Though I know fear is a present teacher.
Jesus said perfect love casts out fear.
What is perfect love that I may cast
fear out from me? Or at least choose
to live from the space of that perfect love
He has for me. His love isn’t based on
my performance or yours. This is not
a performance at all. This life is a learning
of how to lean into the great big love
that is everpresent despite our selfishness.
I choose to live beyond cause and effect,
there is so much more going on here.
I do not want to protect myself in case
of disaster or attack because I don’t
like the way it makes my mind work.
And no I don’t think my fear of it or denial
of it, creates more or less bad things
happening to me.
The Blessed Mother also knows
there are riddles afoot in these hills.
The Universe does respond to me,
it is true, if I gaze at the electron
it also gazes at me, but it does
not bring me harm if I fear harm
or bring me harm to teach me a lesson.
Whoever thought that up needs
to come for tea so we can
set the record straight and liberate
that belief from the cage.
I am writing this because
I want to walk fearlessly.
Not because I am not in awe of God,
(did you know that in The Bible,
the word fear is often translated as Awe.
Reverence and Amazement?)
Grace is either grace or it isn’t.
And yes, grace, is amazing.
You cannot earn it, it is freely
given and it is everpresent and
all we need to do is allow
ourselves to enter into it.
It is not a reward.
For this I send up a shout of praise
to the Most High.
And what about Faith?
Faith isn’t something that
comes because everything goes
as you hoped, but something
that is created because it doesn’t
go as you hoped, and still
you don’t lose your mind
and the crack in your heart lets the
light in and breaks you open.
But really I have no idea what
faith is. I still choose to surround
myself with it like a garment,
having no idea what it is
and I am not required to know.
Don’t take on anything here
that doesn’t serve you. I am
neither teacher or guide,
but fellow traveler on earth.
A poet perhaps.
I am not someone who thinks
I belong somewhere else.
I am from this earth and this is my home.
I refuse to feel displaced
and fear the life to come if
we do this or don’t do that.
I can love this earth and work for
her wellness without needing
fear of her ending or mine,
as motivation. I love because I love,
not because fear of what will
happen, motivates me to action.
I am motivated through unreasonable
love for my fellow travelers.
And yes it is the Beloved’s love in me
that makes my eyes to see.
This is my rant for overcoming
overculture and innerculture.
An attempt through writing
to get free of these proverbial
‘ties that bind’. I am not calling
for a new belief to settle in
or a change to finally come
or a new declaration to live by.
I am calling, at least for a cycle:
no belief system to define and confine
my restless heart. That’s just it.
She wants to roam free.
I just want to experience
being free from ideas
of being or not being.
I want to feel unfettered.
Out beyond ideas of right doing and wrong doing.
There is a field. I’ll meet you there. ~ Rumi
This cycle for me has been very intense and curious and I have no other response but to create. A dear friend of mine gave birth to a child three days ago who didn’t have much of a chance to live – and thankfully he was with us for 3 days. This painting was inspired by him, but also the rant was informed by his fleeting journey. He helped to dislodge something in me. As I stood at the foot of the bed praying as he took his last breaths, the unfettering began to happen inside the beauty and the tragedy.
Light a candle with me for this family and his little Soul.
And wherever you are and whatever you are doing, I also send YOU my prayers. Somehow, someway, I still feel like we are all in this together.
“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times; it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness; it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity; it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness; it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair; we had everything before us, we had nothing before us; we were all going directly to Heaven, we were all going the other way.”
Charles Dickens (155 years ago)